My Agent

I stopped by my agent's office today to pitch my newest script idea, but found him in a bad mood and was unable to get him to stop cursing at me until I let him snort some of my vicodin. Apparently he'd asked one of his assistants to sharpen 100 of his pencils and she'd used an electric pencil sharpener instead of one of those tiny plastic hand-helds.

"What difference does it make how she sharpens the damn things," I said. "You don't even use pencils."

He looked at me like I was missing a fairly obvious point and I believed him. He's that good.

I once asked my Agent why he needed two assistants. He said, "They're not assistants, they're interns. And I have two because they're free." He smiled confidentially. "You don't even have to feed them".

I had an intern last year, but one night we slept together and I didn't call her the next day so she quit. She was good with the pencil sharpener though.

The problem with interns is it's hard to respect someone who will work for free. That type of desperation indicates an extreme lack of confidence in one's abilities. And yet, those that truly believe in their abilities are willing to do whatever it takes to make it. Even work for free. This all leaves one not knowing what to think about interns, which is why they're so easy to yell at.

Ideally, you want to hire someone that deserves being tormented, so you don't risk feeling guilty for damaging someone psychologically. For example, if popular girls made fun of you in high school, hire an intern that looks like she might have been popular in high school. If you were beaten up by football players when you were younger, hire someone that looks like he could have played football. Even in a pickup game.

If you're wondering who I am, or who represents me, don't bother. Until that intern I slept with learns how to string together a sentence I plan to remain anonymous. It's better for business. I will say that the last screenplay of mine that was produced made over $150 million at the box office but I'm embarrassed to tell my parents I wrote it. No, it's not Norbit. But you're close.