Bush Admin. Declares War on Trees

Since my professional writing tends to be completely devoid of satire and other things stupid people don't understand, I feel at times compelled to write something which makes me feel intelligent and witty, especially when I read it back to myself. So here is a joke news article I wrote which many people have told me is clever. Only two people have told to me it's funny. I'd rather be funny than clever, because funny is much more lucrative. But I'd rather be clever than nothing. So I guess I should feel okay. Instead I feel like nothing.

Bush Admin. Declares War on Trees
Thu Jan 17, 2008 11:32am EST

WASHINGTON (AP) – Citing concerns over the danger falling trees pose during storms and a list of other security related issues, the Bush Administration has declared war on trees, vowing to eradicate all trees from the country by 2012.

“Trees pose the greatest threat to national security since Al Quaida”, White House press secretary Dana Perino said in a news briefing Tuesday. “We are not going to stand idly by as these silent terrorists destroy our sidewalks, pump dangerous amounts of oxygen into the air, and threaten our very lives.”

Bush plans to unveil a $400 billion emergency defense plan next week aimed at halting the devastation caused by the nation’s trees. He’s called on real estate developers, the logging industry, and Halliburton’s deforestation division for help, explaining it will take the combined might of American industry to make the country safe again.

The Bush Administration has long been anti-tree, maintaining trees hurt the economy by impeding development and refusing to pay taxes. But only recently has Bush proposed taking wide-ranging action, spurred by the recent high winds in California, which caused several large trees to fall on people’s homes, injuring three and killing a 12 year old boy.

“We simply cannot allow this murderous rampage to continue,” Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff told reporters Thursday, citing a study funded by the Halliburton Timber Cooperative, which showed trees were responsible for over 73 million deaths in 2006.

“We’ve attempted to negotiate with the trees,” Chertoff said, “but they have so far refused to respond, so set in their mission of hatred they’ve made communication impossible.”

Although opposed by environmentalists, Bush’s initiative has garnered support from many prominent religious leaders. Pat Robertson issued a statement yesterday blaming trees for the murder of Jesus. “Without trees,” he explained, “they wouldn’t have been able to crucify Jesus. Trees killed Jesus.” This has stirred anti-tree sentiment across the Southern United States, leading to an increase in chain saw sales and many failed lynching attempts.

Bush has denied accusations his Crawford, Texas ranch contains nearly 28,000 trees. “I am shocked and disappointed that a few mean spirited people would make such slanderous accusations,” Bush told reporters Tuesday, “especially when I have made it my goal to make America safe from Silent Terror.” Citing national security concerns, the President has banned the press from his ranch, and made possession of photographs of his ranch illegal.

When asked for comment, Chertoff explained, “It will get back to the trees. Then, they’ve won.”

Many Democrats, fearing they’ll be seen as soft on trees, have joined with Republicans in the fight against what many refer to as “the silent terror”.

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