The Secret of Contemporary American Politics

While researching a script I was hired to write about a dog that becomes president of the United States and is forced to pick a cat as his running mate, I inadvertently learned about politics. Funny how you can make up for a lifetime of not reading the paper or being able to name all 50 states with half a week of coke fueled wikipedia-ing. Did you know that West Virginia is a state and not just the bad part of Virginia? Anyway, here is my grand theory on Contemporary American Politics. . .

It's easy to get lost in the maze of sound bites, talking points, and "positions" on the "issues" contemporary American politics crams down the throats of anyone willing to turn off The Hills for half a minute and attempt to figure out what the hell's going on. And all of this, just to get you to vote either Democrat or Republican.

But you're in luck. After years of careful observation I've managed to distill the system down to its core truth. And it really isn't that complicated. National security, the economy, health care, Iran; it's all a smokescreen. Hiding the real truth, which is. . .

Republicans are the popular kids. Democrats are the smart kids. Democrats are too busy taking their AP classes to give you the time of day, and even if they did, you're probably not smart enough to fully participate in the conversation. At least that's what they'd like you to believe. Republicans promise you a new soda machine in the cafeteria and then steal all of the prom fundraising money to pay for a week's rent on their shore house. Democrats get good grades and run the school paper. Republicans run the school.

I'm going to make your choice easy. Four years of high school taught me this. If you're not popular, the popular kids don't care about you. And if you're not smart, the smart kids will look down on you. But they'll never shove you into a locker. They'll never call you names. And they'll never beat you up. WHo would you rather have running the country?

To figure out what the hell's going on, check out http://news.google.com/