My Agent

I stopped by my agent's office today to pitch my newest script idea, but found him in a bad mood and was unable to get him to stop cursing at me until I let him snort some of my vicodin. Apparently he'd asked one of his assistants to sharpen 100 of his pencils and she'd used an electric pencil sharpener instead of one of those tiny plastic hand-helds.

"What difference does it make how she sharpens the damn things," I said. "You don't even use pencils."

He looked at me like I was missing a fairly obvious point and I believed him. He's that good.

I once asked my Agent why he needed two assistants. He said, "They're not assistants, they're interns. And I have two because they're free." He smiled confidentially. "You don't even have to feed them".

I had an intern last year, but one night we slept together and I didn't call her the next day so she quit. She was good with the pencil sharpener though.

The problem with interns is it's hard to respect someone who will work for free. That type of desperation indicates an extreme lack of confidence in one's abilities. And yet, those that truly believe in their abilities are willing to do whatever it takes to make it. Even work for free. This all leaves one not knowing what to think about interns, which is why they're so easy to yell at.

Ideally, you want to hire someone that deserves being tormented, so you don't risk feeling guilty for damaging someone psychologically. For example, if popular girls made fun of you in high school, hire an intern that looks like she might have been popular in high school. If you were beaten up by football players when you were younger, hire someone that looks like he could have played football. Even in a pickup game.

If you're wondering who I am, or who represents me, don't bother. Until that intern I slept with learns how to string together a sentence I plan to remain anonymous. It's better for business. I will say that the last screenplay of mine that was produced made over $150 million at the box office but I'm embarrassed to tell my parents I wrote it. No, it's not Norbit. But you're close.

Bush Admin. Declares War on Trees

Since my professional writing tends to be completely devoid of satire and other things stupid people don't understand, I feel at times compelled to write something which makes me feel intelligent and witty, especially when I read it back to myself. So here is a joke news article I wrote which many people have told me is clever. Only two people have told to me it's funny. I'd rather be funny than clever, because funny is much more lucrative. But I'd rather be clever than nothing. So I guess I should feel okay. Instead I feel like nothing.

Bush Admin. Declares War on Trees
Thu Jan 17, 2008 11:32am EST

WASHINGTON (AP) – Citing concerns over the danger falling trees pose during storms and a list of other security related issues, the Bush Administration has declared war on trees, vowing to eradicate all trees from the country by 2012.

“Trees pose the greatest threat to national security since Al Quaida”, White House press secretary Dana Perino said in a news briefing Tuesday. “We are not going to stand idly by as these silent terrorists destroy our sidewalks, pump dangerous amounts of oxygen into the air, and threaten our very lives.”

Bush plans to unveil a $400 billion emergency defense plan next week aimed at halting the devastation caused by the nation’s trees. He’s called on real estate developers, the logging industry, and Halliburton’s deforestation division for help, explaining it will take the combined might of American industry to make the country safe again.

The Bush Administration has long been anti-tree, maintaining trees hurt the economy by impeding development and refusing to pay taxes. But only recently has Bush proposed taking wide-ranging action, spurred by the recent high winds in California, which caused several large trees to fall on people’s homes, injuring three and killing a 12 year old boy.

“We simply cannot allow this murderous rampage to continue,” Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff told reporters Thursday, citing a study funded by the Halliburton Timber Cooperative, which showed trees were responsible for over 73 million deaths in 2006.

“We’ve attempted to negotiate with the trees,” Chertoff said, “but they have so far refused to respond, so set in their mission of hatred they’ve made communication impossible.”

Although opposed by environmentalists, Bush’s initiative has garnered support from many prominent religious leaders. Pat Robertson issued a statement yesterday blaming trees for the murder of Jesus. “Without trees,” he explained, “they wouldn’t have been able to crucify Jesus. Trees killed Jesus.” This has stirred anti-tree sentiment across the Southern United States, leading to an increase in chain saw sales and many failed lynching attempts.

Bush has denied accusations his Crawford, Texas ranch contains nearly 28,000 trees. “I am shocked and disappointed that a few mean spirited people would make such slanderous accusations,” Bush told reporters Tuesday, “especially when I have made it my goal to make America safe from Silent Terror.” Citing national security concerns, the President has banned the press from his ranch, and made possession of photographs of his ranch illegal.

When asked for comment, Chertoff explained, “It will get back to the trees. Then, they’ve won.”

Many Democrats, fearing they’ll be seen as soft on trees, have joined with Republicans in the fight against what many refer to as “the silent terror”.

For more fake news stories, check out http://kevinoeser.blogspot.com/

The Secret of Contemporary American Politics

While researching a script I was hired to write about a dog that becomes president of the United States and is forced to pick a cat as his running mate, I inadvertently learned about politics. Funny how you can make up for a lifetime of not reading the paper or being able to name all 50 states with half a week of coke fueled wikipedia-ing. Did you know that West Virginia is a state and not just the bad part of Virginia? Anyway, here is my grand theory on Contemporary American Politics. . .

It's easy to get lost in the maze of sound bites, talking points, and "positions" on the "issues" contemporary American politics crams down the throats of anyone willing to turn off The Hills for half a minute and attempt to figure out what the hell's going on. And all of this, just to get you to vote either Democrat or Republican.

But you're in luck. After years of careful observation I've managed to distill the system down to its core truth. And it really isn't that complicated. National security, the economy, health care, Iran; it's all a smokescreen. Hiding the real truth, which is. . .

Republicans are the popular kids. Democrats are the smart kids. Democrats are too busy taking their AP classes to give you the time of day, and even if they did, you're probably not smart enough to fully participate in the conversation. At least that's what they'd like you to believe. Republicans promise you a new soda machine in the cafeteria and then steal all of the prom fundraising money to pay for a week's rent on their shore house. Democrats get good grades and run the school paper. Republicans run the school.

I'm going to make your choice easy. Four years of high school taught me this. If you're not popular, the popular kids don't care about you. And if you're not smart, the smart kids will look down on you. But they'll never shove you into a locker. They'll never call you names. And they'll never beat you up. WHo would you rather have running the country?

To figure out what the hell's going on, check out http://news.google.com/

The Genesis

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